too good.

Someone once asked me what I love most about myself, I said, "His name is Ethan, and he says he loves me sometimes."
 It's disgusting, I know. I had become one of those people. It's something I couldn't help though, it was true. I had to like myself. I had no choice. I mean, if he loved me then that meant I was something special.
It was 1:02 in the morning and I could not sleep. He was sleeping right beside me and he looked so perfect. His mouth was slightly open and his shirt all messed up around his middle. His hands were clasped and held under his chin like he was praying. His curly dark hair was covering his eyes. All I could think was how perfect he was. So I moved in closer to him. I wanted to freeze the moment because good things never last. It's a terribly true statement.

I hate it when people say that cliche':All I want is the person I love to be happy. And I said it. It sucks and I really don't want Ethan to be happy because it's not with me.
I did everything to try to make him always happy.
The first time he met he found a five dollar bill in his pocket and told me that he loved those days the most. The ones when something really good happens like finding money in your pocket and meeting a really pretty girl.
After a few weeks of dating I went into his room with all my tip money and put them in random pockets of his clothing. I wanted him to feel happy all the ways I could. I wonder now if he ever finds those dollars and thinks of me. Probably not. I'm sure he has someone else who does that for him now. It's weird to now think about it. For me, it was just a kiss that would give me that dollar bill feeling. Like "Oh, what's this? You want to kiss me? That's awesome." My day would always get better.

I hate it now, thinking, because all I want is to go back to the one night where I got to look at him being so perfect. But good things never last.

He was with someone new. She was gross, that's only because she was so pretty. I tried to walk away but he caught my glance. He's like a hawk with those eyes, he sees you and there's no hope, he's going to catch you.
I almost made it to the door when he caught my arm.

"Hey! Why are you walking away?"
I felt like throwing up.
"Oh hi. I didn't even realize you were here, I was uh, just going to go...smoke?"
He gave me an odd look. The look. The one that makes you smile because you know you are being ridiculous.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeup. I better go out here now. Bye."
And then memories flood my brain because I have no self control and I have to leave the house before I burst into tears. Of course the SOB decides to fallow me because he's too sweet to let someone upset walk away alone.
I could hear his footsteps following me.
"It would help if you wouldn't," I call out with my voice cracking.
"If I wouldn't what?"
"Be so nice! Can't you just disappear from the planet?"
"You're the one who broke up with me! This whole incident should be in reverse."

Yeah, you didn't expect that. I did it. It was me. I broke up with him. Here was my thought process: I kept on listening to that song Halelujah where there's that line "The only thing I learned from love was to shoot somebody who out drew ya." Good things don't last. Right? Well I knew, one hundred percent knew, that Ethan was going to break up with me, eventually. So why make it worse for myself? So I did it.

"If I wasn't a crazy person, then yes, that is how it would work out. But you see, I am still infatuated with you and so it's hard when you see another person with the person that you are infatuated with."
He shook his head. I could smell his hair.
"Why do you always say that? Infatuated. Why can't you just say it?"
I am the one who can't say my true feelings, thus being the stereotypical man. I can't say I love him. I never have. He said it to me all the time.
"You're here with a different girl."
"No I am not."
I freeze. The words are peanut butter in my mouth.
"I still...." Gulps "luff... you."
He smiles,"I luff you too."

 Today someone asked me what was the best thing about me I said his name is Ethan. Okay probably the wrong answer for a job interview, but it's the truth.