Bullies Shmullies

I don’t care if it makes me un-manly, I’m terrified of bullies. Especially one. The one I’m referring to is Paulie Wolf. Even his name is terrifying. He’s in the eighth grade and has a beard. Extra testosterone? I say yes. The kid looks like a thirty year old. Maybe that’s why he occasionally likes to bash my body into things. That or maybe he knows I’m just cooler than him. That’s what my mom tells me, but she tells me lots of lies to make me feel better about myself.


It all started when we had science class together. He liked this girl Gabby and she just happened to sit by me. So I’d occasionally make her laugh, I’m a funny guy, what can I say? Paul would menacingly stare at me during class and give me that look of terror whenever I would even talk to Gabby. I made it worse for myself, after my father’s useful advice to ignore Paul, and Gabby became my girlfriend. This useful advice turned out to be the very wrong thing to do.

I had dislocated my arm after a snowboarding accident so it was in a sling. I had just gotten my lunch tray; I virtually had no use of either arm at this point. Then he approached me. It was almost a movie moment the way he had two of his buddies on each side. Then he pantsed me in front of the entire lunch room. I was lucky I was wearing my grown up underwear instead of my whitey tighties my mom thought were so funny. There was nothing I could do. I had no arms. I stood there, pants down while everyone laughed. But I took it like a man and walked all the way to the table, set my tray down and pulled up my pants, which was really difficult with one hand but it was a success. Then I did something that has led me to my now abnormal paranoia with Paul. I turned to Paul and gave him the bird. I couldn’t help it. It was like that finger was possessed and decided to do it all on his own.

He didn’t really ever do anything after that, which is even worse. It was like he was waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on me, his prey.

It was a Monday, as if Mondays could get any worse, well it did. I had this delicious sandwich, it was seriously sent from the sandwich gods, that’s how good it was. Anyways, I was staring at my gorgeous sandwich and Paulie approached me and literally picked me up by the collar of my shirt.

“You think you’re so funny don’t you Brendon?” Paulie said so angry that he was spitting in my face. I could see the veins in his forehead.

“Not at all” I gulped uncontrollably, “actually,” I smiled weakly hoping my charms would work, not expecting it to.

“What’s your problem?”

“My mom says it’s puberty.”

It was so strange how everything slowed down. It was like Spiderman where Peter Parker beats up that bully, except I’m not as nerdy as Peter Parker, I have a girlfriend.

I braced myself for what was about to come. I had two seconds until my face was obliterated and all I could think was : wow this guy has hairy knuckles. It was like his father was a gorilla. It wasn’t normal; at least I didn’t think so. I barely had armpit hair. And then I started thinking about how having a black eye could be pretty cool. I would definitely be seen as a man. You don’t see a wimpy kid with a black eye. Okay so you do, but I don’t consider myself a wimp. Then I started thinking about all the possibilities. If you punch someone just right in the nose you can cause death. My brain could very well be stabbed by my own nose cartilage, or is it bone? I could be dead in two seconds, and I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy my awesome sandwich. I really felt like swearing. But my mom told me that girls think it’s gross when guys swear. She told me not to even do it in my head because then the habit will soon catch up to me and I’d be swearing like a sailor in my head and then what is stopping me from saying it out loud. I think she is lying but I don’t, just in case. I knew one thing, if I survived, I should probably move schools.

And then it happened. It actually didn’t hurt that bad. Maybe Paulie sucks at punching or something, but it happened and then it was over. I didn’t even fall over like in the movies. It seemed to hurt Paulie more then it hurt me.

The lunchroom went silent and everyone started laughing. Not at me but at Paulie. He was lying on the ground crying like a baby with clutching his weak gorilla haired fist.

You know what, Paulie doesn’t scare me anymore. My face ended up causing me severe pain that night but nobody saw me crying over it. Paulie actually broke his hand. I guess I have a really hard face or something. All that matters now is that I have the control. There’s no way I’m moving schools now. I guess I was pretty cool before this happened but now, well I’m a legend. I’m the kid who got punched in the face and made the bully cry. I’m no longer the fearing bully prey! Eat on that Paulie Wolf!