too good.

Someone once asked me what I love most about myself, I said, "His name is Ethan, and he says he loves me sometimes."
 It's disgusting, I know. I had become one of those people. It's something I couldn't help though, it was true. I had to like myself. I had no choice. I mean, if he loved me then that meant I was something special.
It was 1:02 in the morning and I could not sleep. He was sleeping right beside me and he looked so perfect. His mouth was slightly open and his shirt all messed up around his middle. His hands were clasped and held under his chin like he was praying. His curly dark hair was covering his eyes. All I could think was how perfect he was. So I moved in closer to him. I wanted to freeze the moment because good things never last. It's a terribly true statement.

I hate it when people say that cliche':All I want is the person I love to be happy. And I said it. It sucks and I really don't want Ethan to be happy because it's not with me.
I did everything to try to make him always happy.
The first time he met he found a five dollar bill in his pocket and told me that he loved those days the most. The ones when something really good happens like finding money in your pocket and meeting a really pretty girl.
After a few weeks of dating I went into his room with all my tip money and put them in random pockets of his clothing. I wanted him to feel happy all the ways I could. I wonder now if he ever finds those dollars and thinks of me. Probably not. I'm sure he has someone else who does that for him now. It's weird to now think about it. For me, it was just a kiss that would give me that dollar bill feeling. Like "Oh, what's this? You want to kiss me? That's awesome." My day would always get better.

I hate it now, thinking, because all I want is to go back to the one night where I got to look at him being so perfect. But good things never last.

He was with someone new. She was gross, that's only because she was so pretty. I tried to walk away but he caught my glance. He's like a hawk with those eyes, he sees you and there's no hope, he's going to catch you.
I almost made it to the door when he caught my arm.

"Hey! Why are you walking away?"
I felt like throwing up.
"Oh hi. I didn't even realize you were here, I was uh, just going to go...smoke?"
He gave me an odd look. The look. The one that makes you smile because you know you are being ridiculous.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeup. I better go out here now. Bye."
And then memories flood my brain because I have no self control and I have to leave the house before I burst into tears. Of course the SOB decides to fallow me because he's too sweet to let someone upset walk away alone.
I could hear his footsteps following me.
"It would help if you wouldn't," I call out with my voice cracking.
"If I wouldn't what?"
"Be so nice! Can't you just disappear from the planet?"
"You're the one who broke up with me! This whole incident should be in reverse."

Yeah, you didn't expect that. I did it. It was me. I broke up with him. Here was my thought process: I kept on listening to that song Halelujah where there's that line "The only thing I learned from love was to shoot somebody who out drew ya." Good things don't last. Right? Well I knew, one hundred percent knew, that Ethan was going to break up with me, eventually. So why make it worse for myself? So I did it.

"If I wasn't a crazy person, then yes, that is how it would work out. But you see, I am still infatuated with you and so it's hard when you see another person with the person that you are infatuated with."
He shook his head. I could smell his hair.
"Why do you always say that? Infatuated. Why can't you just say it?"
I am the one who can't say my true feelings, thus being the stereotypical man. I can't say I love him. I never have. He said it to me all the time.
"You're here with a different girl."
"No I am not."
I freeze. The words are peanut butter in my mouth.
"I still...." Gulps "luff... you."
He smiles,"I luff you too."

 Today someone asked me what was the best thing about me I said his name is Ethan. Okay probably the wrong answer for a job interview, but it's the truth.

Desert.

It went like this: I am standing in my living room. I am wearing the prettiest dress in the world. It's exactly what a dress should look like on my body. I am beautifully happy. I am singing the song "I'm so Pretty" in my head but also thinking about how conceided I must sound, except well, nobody is hearing me. Then he is there. It's almost a disaster how good looking he is. I move in closer to him. He is paused in a beautiful moment. And then I kiss him. But it's weird because his lips feel like glass. I then think to myself, well of course, nobody in their right mind is that good looking, he isn't real. I open my eyes and realize I'm kissing the television where zac ephron is paused in a good looking frame.
...... "Isn't that weird? That's not how dreams should be, right? I mean shouldn't I be kissing the real zac ephron in my dream. I think there is something wrong with me."

Alice's friends stare at their empty plates, pretending to pay attention because that's what good friends do. They've heard it enough times. Alice thinks there's something wrong with her, it's not new and outstanding news. It's just Alice.

"Maybe it's because your brain can't lie. It knows you've never met him in real life so it makes him on the tv," Debbie shrugged feeling terrible because she ate the whole peice of pie instead of sharing with Joan but Joan ordered a cookie a la mode and decided not to take any part of her pie, so she ate it all.

"No, but you guys, this happens with people in real life too. Like that hot soccer guy I always watched at the park, he turns into a cardboard cutout. Maybe this means something. Maybe I have intimacy issues. I bet that's it."

The only problem Alice had, Joan thought, is that she never ordered desert. Alice said it was because she hated the way the sugar made her teeth feel Joan just thought it was a way to show her heirachy, she was so much better then them because she didn't eat desert. Well Joan ate a cookie a la mode and still wore the same size, so there.

"No, come on Alice, that's ridiculous," Debbie said pushing her plate away.

"You know what it is," Joan said. Alice and Debbie looked at her wide eyed awaiting the answer, "It's because you don't eat desert," She nodded enthusiatically, "It's proven," she shrugged.

"By who?" Alice questioned.

"By people. Just order some DESERT once in awhile for GODS SAKE!"

Alice looked upon her friends and then called for the waitress," I'll have the ice cream. With whip cream please."

And with that, she already felt much better.

Girls Who Don't Sleep.

It's all too often that the girl sits and thinks. The problem with this is that it's very bad timing. Her brain seems to think that the time to think is at one in the morning. If only the girl could be paid for such thinking. The other problem with this thinking is that it is useless thoughts that will never be put to use. (oh haha yes what a contradiction) She thinks about how she like that person's smile and how creepy she is. Yes, it's how she sometimes likes to think about smiles but don't worry she then gets weirded out by these thoughts of smiles, but that doesn't stop her from doing it again later on. Then she gets confused. Because the world is all too confusing.
She once was sitting in bed thinking about how she is really good at not ever getting a man. It is almost as if she has one of those talking bubbles above her head that they use in comic books and in it, it reads: Do not approach me good looking men of the area! I only accept weirdos who ask me if my shoes come in women's sizes! (Of course she doesn't really have one of those but she pretends she does so that she feels a little bit better about herself).
She also wishes that the things she thought would actually come true. It is possible, they can come true, but often times they make more sense at one in the morning and not so much in the early afternoon, when they would actually come to play. SUCH AS: What's the matter with drawing someone a picture and leaving it on the table where you sit so that the person who works there gets it. It would be a HILARIOUS comic of a girl with red glasses with a talk bubble that says, "Hey man, I'm not weird at all I just think you are cool. Let's maybe hang out sometime." And then at the lower right hand of the HILARIOUS comic it would read the girl's number and say: hey maybe if you get this you could text me, unless you think it's weird then don't text me. Schweet man. Good night. I like your hats. (To be honest this can all come back to haunt me. JK it can't because it's all fictional and there is also a delete button on blogs).
Sometimes, and actually most of the time, she thinks this thought....Wouldn't life be so much easier if humans weren't so weird? If you are curious to know the answer, well here it is: The answer is yes. Why? Because then maybe we could just approach a human being and say, "Hey, you are cool, I might like you. I like your smile and such. Here's my number." Guess what that is? That is what a weird person would say, but in all actuality.. it is normal becuase that is what most human beings are thinking in their head.
This is fiction. -Girl Who Wears Red Glasses.

Bullies Shmullies

I don’t care if it makes me un-manly, I’m terrified of bullies. Especially one. The one I’m referring to is Paulie Wolf. Even his name is terrifying. He’s in the eighth grade and has a beard. Extra testosterone? I say yes. The kid looks like a thirty year old. Maybe that’s why he occasionally likes to bash my body into things. That or maybe he knows I’m just cooler than him. That’s what my mom tells me, but she tells me lots of lies to make me feel better about myself.


It all started when we had science class together. He liked this girl Gabby and she just happened to sit by me. So I’d occasionally make her laugh, I’m a funny guy, what can I say? Paul would menacingly stare at me during class and give me that look of terror whenever I would even talk to Gabby. I made it worse for myself, after my father’s useful advice to ignore Paul, and Gabby became my girlfriend. This useful advice turned out to be the very wrong thing to do.

I had dislocated my arm after a snowboarding accident so it was in a sling. I had just gotten my lunch tray; I virtually had no use of either arm at this point. Then he approached me. It was almost a movie moment the way he had two of his buddies on each side. Then he pantsed me in front of the entire lunch room. I was lucky I was wearing my grown up underwear instead of my whitey tighties my mom thought were so funny. There was nothing I could do. I had no arms. I stood there, pants down while everyone laughed. But I took it like a man and walked all the way to the table, set my tray down and pulled up my pants, which was really difficult with one hand but it was a success. Then I did something that has led me to my now abnormal paranoia with Paul. I turned to Paul and gave him the bird. I couldn’t help it. It was like that finger was possessed and decided to do it all on his own.

He didn’t really ever do anything after that, which is even worse. It was like he was waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on me, his prey.

It was a Monday, as if Mondays could get any worse, well it did. I had this delicious sandwich, it was seriously sent from the sandwich gods, that’s how good it was. Anyways, I was staring at my gorgeous sandwich and Paulie approached me and literally picked me up by the collar of my shirt.

“You think you’re so funny don’t you Brendon?” Paulie said so angry that he was spitting in my face. I could see the veins in his forehead.

“Not at all” I gulped uncontrollably, “actually,” I smiled weakly hoping my charms would work, not expecting it to.

“What’s your problem?”

“My mom says it’s puberty.”

It was so strange how everything slowed down. It was like Spiderman where Peter Parker beats up that bully, except I’m not as nerdy as Peter Parker, I have a girlfriend.

I braced myself for what was about to come. I had two seconds until my face was obliterated and all I could think was : wow this guy has hairy knuckles. It was like his father was a gorilla. It wasn’t normal; at least I didn’t think so. I barely had armpit hair. And then I started thinking about how having a black eye could be pretty cool. I would definitely be seen as a man. You don’t see a wimpy kid with a black eye. Okay so you do, but I don’t consider myself a wimp. Then I started thinking about all the possibilities. If you punch someone just right in the nose you can cause death. My brain could very well be stabbed by my own nose cartilage, or is it bone? I could be dead in two seconds, and I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy my awesome sandwich. I really felt like swearing. But my mom told me that girls think it’s gross when guys swear. She told me not to even do it in my head because then the habit will soon catch up to me and I’d be swearing like a sailor in my head and then what is stopping me from saying it out loud. I think she is lying but I don’t, just in case. I knew one thing, if I survived, I should probably move schools.

And then it happened. It actually didn’t hurt that bad. Maybe Paulie sucks at punching or something, but it happened and then it was over. I didn’t even fall over like in the movies. It seemed to hurt Paulie more then it hurt me.

The lunchroom went silent and everyone started laughing. Not at me but at Paulie. He was lying on the ground crying like a baby with clutching his weak gorilla haired fist.

You know what, Paulie doesn’t scare me anymore. My face ended up causing me severe pain that night but nobody saw me crying over it. Paulie actually broke his hand. I guess I have a really hard face or something. All that matters now is that I have the control. There’s no way I’m moving schools now. I guess I was pretty cool before this happened but now, well I’m a legend. I’m the kid who got punched in the face and made the bully cry. I’m no longer the fearing bully prey! Eat on that Paulie Wolf!

The boy who cried, "BLACK HOLE!"

What is that? I can hear it. I know it’s under that chair. I can hear my truck in that black hole. I knew it. I knew it stole my truck. Never cross paths with grandpa’s chair. Stupid chair, I knew it.


Janna watched her seven year old son Abe have a staring contest with a chair.

She quickly texted her husband: There is something wrong with Abe.

She bit her nails waiting for a response.

“Why are you staring that chair buddy?”

Janna’s phone buzzed in her hands. Her husband’s response was: No there isn’t.

Typical. He thought everything was normal. He thought that it was normal that Abe needed a flashlight under his bed to make sure there was no black hole going to eat him. Monsters are normal, the fear of black holes is not. He thought it was normal that Abe thought his shadow could turn into a black hole and so he needed a silver belt. The silver belt had no explanation from the seven year old only that shadows would not turn into black holes if he was wearing a silver belt. So Janna bought him a silver belt. Her husband laughed at her saying she only was feeding his fear. But Janna could not stand another phone call from the elementary telling her that her son had a panic attack because he was afraid to go outside without a silver belt. There was something wrong with Abe.

“Mommy, it ate my truck.”

If it ate my truck why wouldn’t it eat me? It would. It’s going to eat me. That black hole is going to eat me.

Abe backed away from the chair and into his mother’s arms, “The chair did not eat your truck buddy.”

“Not the chair mommy, the black hole under the chair.”

“Abe there is not a black hole under grandpa’s chair. I promise.”

“Mommy, I can hear it.”

“No you can’t.”

Yes I can.

Abe left the room and Janna immediately dialed her husband.

“Janna, there is nothing wrong with Abe. It’s normal for kids to imagine things. Stop worrying so much,” he said without saying hello, “When I was that age I thought it was cool to eat dirt. At least our kid has an imagination. We should be grateful. You know there are kids that don’t even play make believe. They’re walking around with I-phones. We should be grateful.”

“Dan, he thinks there is a black hole under your dad’s chair. He’s absolutely convinced that it ate his truck.”

“Go find his truck then.”

“He has fifty trucks.”

“Then let him think there’s a black hole under the chair.”

“You aren’t helping. What if he turns into one of those people that have to wash their hands seven times before they leave the house?”

“Then you can blame it on me, okay? You really need to stop worrying so much.”

“Fine, okay. Bye.”

“He’s fine Janna.”

She hung up the phone.

There was a scream from Abe in the other room. Janna swallowed the panic that had risen into her mouth and ran for her son.

I can hear it. There’s another one. It’s under the sink. That’s where all the garbage goes. It goes into that black hole. If it eats garbage it will think I’m garbage and it will eat me too.

“Mommy, there’s another one, it’s under the sink.”

“Abe lets go for a walk,” she needed it for her own sanity.

As they stepped outside her husband stepped out of the car, “Hey buddy!” he yelled chasing Abe down and giving him a bear hug, “What are we doing?”

“Going for a walk,” Janna answered giving Abe a tickle.

“Mommy needs a walk because she thinks that there isn’t a black hole under the sink.”

Janna gave her husband the ‘I told you so’ look. He smiled, “Oh yeah? I think we should all go for a walk together. How about that?”

Abe nodded and squirmed out of his father’s grasp walking slightly ahead of his parents checking for any black hole danger.

“He screamed and was having a fit over this black hole under the sink Dan,” she whispered.

“STAY BACK!” Abe braced himself against his parents making sure they didn’t take another step, “There’s one under that car!”

You can’t eat them! They are my mommy and daddy!

No matter how hard she tried to protect her child, there was an insane amount of dark places and not enough flashlights to disengage his black hole fear.

“Abe! You stay here. I’ve just noticed something!” She said over acting a bit, “I’ve never had troubles with black holes and I don’t even wear silver belts! I have an idea!”

“Where are you going?” Abe asked wide eyed and worried for his mother’s safety as she walked towards the car.

Janna approaches a car. It’s a large SUV so there’s just enough room for her to fit right underneath it.

Abe started wailing uncontrollably held back by his father.

“Look buddy, no black hole!” she said smiling and waving to her bawling son. She hid her face in the other direction to let out a whimper of her own, she hated to upset him. Then a strange sight appeared, Abe’s play truck almost making contact with her nose, “What in the world?

A light sucking sound surrounded her and everything around her started shrinking and gravity was pulling in strange directions all around her.

“Dad! It ate her! It ate her!”

Dan said nothing because apparently his wife had disappeared completely out of sight. He ran to the SUV and looked under the car. She was gone.

“Bleh!” Janna was covered in some sort of goo and she was underneath her father-in-laws chair with her son’s truck in hand. She scooted from underneath the chair and quickly pushed it over. There was nothing to be seen but her hardwood floor.

Quickly, she ran outside to find her husband standing frozen next to the SUV and her son screaming for his mom.

“You guys! I’m right here!”

Both jumped at the sound of her voice.

“Janna!” “MOM!”

Dan grabbed Abe in his arms and ran to his goo covered wife, “Aren’t you just ecstatic? There’s nothing wrong with our son!”

Janna let out a sigh of relief.

Heliophobia.

I’ve never been one to ever converse with my neighbors, ever. But that’s only because most of them are losers, either being white trash wangsters (white gangsters) who rap about my boots as I walk to wash laundry or old people with no voice boxes that blast their television at wee hours of the night. But things change. My old upstairs neighbors became senile and were moved into an old folks home and were replaced by a very mysterious character.


For the first day I watched intently trying to figure out who was about to be the moving figure above me that I would never choose in my right mind to talk to. Call me an unsocial loner if you must- I suppose that’s what I am. I watched as people carried the boxes up the stairs but not ever seeing a face clearly. I knew it was going to be a female because the name on the mailbox was a Ms. Daisy Holt.

Then I saw a pair of feminine legs carrying quite a large box. Then a short moment later I realized she was not carrying the box at all, in fact, the only thing in the box was this Ms. Daisy Holt.

It pains me to say this, but I had to resort to leaving my apartment to understand the oddity, looking through my blinds just wasn’t cutting it.

“Excuse me?” I asked one of the men carrying a box, “Who is moving in here? Are they here?” I was sure they were there, and underneath the box, but I just couldn’t fathom the words.

The man, as I predicted, pointed to the box with legs. I walk over to it/her, “You need help with the box?” I joked.

The box turns and a slit with a pair of sunglasses responds to me, “Oh no, I’m actually in here,” she said awkwardly not understanding my joke, “This isn’t a box to help with.”

I didn’t know what to say, “Oh… ha. Well I’m Sarah your downstairs neighbor.”

“Daisy.”

“Yeah I know. So… Why the box outfit?”

She answered quickly without any hesitation; almost as if she was declining my credit card, “Heliophobia,” She then walked up the stairs with outrageous grace for anyone, especially someone wearing a box.

I googled it of course, “the fear of the sun,” was the answer. My only thought was, “She must be albino.”

She’s lived above me for a month now and I have never seen her leave her apartment. She has black curtains over her windows. She has people deliver everything she needs to survive.

I’ve never been so intrigued by a human being before (that includes the hot bodied soccer player that lived next door from me for a month, not that I talked to him). I have even resorted to facebook stalking. Unfortunately Ms. Daisy Holt is too cool to have a social network account. But really, she never leaves her apartment, how can she not have one?

Today, after watching old 1950’s television shows I’ve come up with a bullet proof plan. A “welcome to the apartments” batch of cookies. They aren’t homemade but it’s not like I’m going to spend five hours making cookies, that’s ridiculous. She’s probably afraid of chocolate or something.

I gingerly walk up to her door and knock. A note is soon shoved between the black curtains that cover the window on the door, it reads: I only accept visits after dark- sunset is at 7:11 tonight, come back then.

-Daisy

I walk back down to my apartment befuddled, “She must be a vampire.” I think about wearing garlic upon my second visit but if she isn’t a vampire then I’ll look like a total idiot.

I wait.

I go back around eight, just to make sure no sun was lingering. I knock once again, this time with an answer. I am taken aback by her normal appearance. I suppose I imagined her to be an older woman with pasty white skin and red albino eyes. Daisy is a fresh young lady with olive skin and golden eyes. She doesn’t appear to be either an albino or a vampire.

“Daisy?” I ask to be sure that the person in front of me was in fact the lady in the box.

“Yes. Come in,” She opens the door wide, “Are those for me?” She takes the cookies (obviously not afraid of chocolate) as I am frozen in the sight of her incredible living room. The walls are painted with clouds, and even… a sun.

“Wow,” is all I can muster and then I see what occupies the room. Cages full of spiders, snakes, rats, and other such vermin. I back away as far as humanly possible without becoming one with the wall. Instantly I feel the creatures crawling all over my body, laying eggs in my brain, infecting me with the plague, filling my body with poisonous venom. This woman who is afraid of the very thing that sustains life on this planet plays house with the horrible.

“Do you like my collection?”

I look at her wide eyed (so wide eyed I am sure my eyes have fallen from my skull), “Uh, NO! Why in the world do you have these?”

She shrugs,” I just like them. Are you frightened?”

I am seeing my all my fears displayed out in front of me, let’s see her reaction if I put her out in an open field without a box, “Yes! You are afraid of the sun but just fine and dandy with housing these disgusting… things?” I shiver.

“The sun is made from molten energy. Solar flares are happening all over the place. Hello, skin cancer. UV rays blinding people,” The way she talks is almost convincing me that fearing the sun is rational, “They aren’t disgusting, just misunderstood. If they harm you it’s just because they are defending themselves.”

I stand, being put in my place by a girl who is afraid of the sun. The most seemingly irrational human being seems to have everything in order in that odd brain of hers. I can stand outside without a box protecting me and yet, I end up being the ridiculous sounding one. How ironic.

I leave her apartment realizing one thing; Daisy Holt is a crazy person. Me ridiculous? Irrational? There’s no way. Or is there?

I Have Dreams

A girl would be walking in a semi crowded park, annoyed that she was wearing her glasses (and regretting she didn't pay the extra money for the transition lenses) because it would be sunny outside and she would be needing sun glasses, but they most likely be matching her outfit so well or maybe it was because her contacts were hurting her eyes. Anyways there she would be, she would most likely not know why she was in the park in the first place, possibly walking a friend's dog. A boy, a very extraordinary radical one would spook her by poking her in the shoulder. The girl would turn around, not being able to see him very well because of the glaring sun, would give his unrecognizable shaddow an odd stare. Then he would say, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." This would trigger an episode of Demetri Martin's "Important Things" in her brain and she would answer so happily that the opportunity had shown itself to her," I am," and she would be smiling because it would be so clever, and he would have no idea that she had stole the line from a television show. The boy would smile back and say,"Very clever." And then she would feel bad because she wasn't giving Demetri Martin the notification he deserved but she wouldn't say anything because she believed she would never see the boy again. As the boy would eventually walk away she would feel immediately dumb for not coming up with anything else to say, but she would notice is amazingly perfect ensamble that she would imagine the perfectly dressed boy would wear. Being depressed she would go home and think about the unfaced perfectly dressed boy that liked her fake cleverness.


A couple of days later she would be at coffee garden with her soy latte and chocolate covered espresso beans doing her homework that she wouldn't be doing if she were at home, but she would be noticing the guy that was always there who had the same glasses as her but they were black. But she wouldn't be wearing her glasses that day. And then she would be feeling awkward and would start working on her (hopefully) Mac laptop. Then a boy's voice would sound next to her saying,"Hey you are someone else." And because she would remember his voice she would freeze but her face would turn bright red because that is what would happen. She would look over trying to think of the right thing to say and then it would come out,"Yes. I am."

And then he would say,"I've been looking for you." And she would feel a bit weirded out but also be liking that a lot, but then he would say,"Well not continueously looking for you like searching all of salt lake city but I have to say whenever I enter a building I look around secretly to see if you were there. That sounds creepy."

And then she would feel even weirder but also really like it,"How'd you even recognize me, I'm not even wearing my glasses."

And then she would realize that she could see his face and that she should take the opportunity to look at it. And it would be awesome looking! He would smile and it would be like Gene Kelly's smile when he's singing "Singing in the Rain" in the movie "Singing in the Rain" when camera zooms in on his face when he's hugging the lamp post. But he would have big cute dimples and bright eyes. And his hair would be dark, possibly longish and curly, or maybe he would be one of those boys that looks really good with short hair. He would be wearing either a bow tie for a formal attire because he would've just been at an important event or suspenders in the most handsome way, either one of those. He most definitely would be setting down his guitar or ukalele or banjo, or who knows, maybe two or all of those. He would sit next to her, because impossibly there would be a seat in coffee garden that would be empty and he would say,"Well I don't know? That's a weird question... I know what your face looks like?"

Then she would ask,"Band practice?"

He would say,"Sort of, but just by myself. Practicing (insert favorite beatles song for the week), it's my favorite this week."

And then she would say,"Is this real?"

And he would say,"No."

And then Marta would realize this all came from her head while walking to the car with her mother after seeing a stupid movie. And then Marta would think of the song "dreams" by Brandi Carlile.

FIN

I like vampires

A girl sits at work, on the computer, bored to tears (If only her doctor hadn't remove her tear ducts then the saying could be true! but alas the girl cannot cry) contimplating the world before christina aguilera and not understanding the hype. Anyone can easily have a glowing heart vagina if they had the right electrician.


The girl calls herself "Bobby" liking the irony of girls having boy's names (but she hates it when it was the other way around (boys having girl's names)). Her name is Elizabeth but she believes that the name does not fit well with her and she hates all the nicknames that come from Elizabeth: Lizzy, Beth, Betty. Her hair is black, nobody with black hair is ever called those things.

She finds herself watching the strangest video of two very high voiced catholic boys singing like cats, she thinks they sound exactly cats if cats sang opera like music, and "likes" it on her facebook.

Oh how she is so bored all day long. Not too many people like to buy over priced collars, costumes, and organic treats for their pets who would chew on their tails if they ever had the chance. Bobby didn't even own a dog.

A Ray Ban wearing boyish manish person walks in the store. She already hates him, assuming he is a douchelord. He is either buying his stupid wife/girlfriend's dog a bedazzled doggy juicy suit to match hers or buying his own pitbull something like a spike collar, and not for a joke. But the boyish manish person doesn't take the time to look at anything at all, instead he walks right up to the desk looking a bit disstressed and says,"All money in this bag."

Bobby begins to laugh, this could only be a joke.

"Why are you laughing? I am serious. How do you know I don't have a gun?"

She smiles politely,"My friend, you are the worst store robber ever. You don't go into a non franchised unpopular store and ask for all the money in the drawer. I can tell you this, there is probably only 200 dollars in this drawer. If anyone even comes in this store I can guarentee they are paying with plastic. The people who shop here have, I can almost promise, thousands of dollars in credit card debt because have issues, that's the only explanation for 300 dollars on a dog costume. If you are going to rob somewhere I would suggest somewhere loaded, like a bank or starbucks. I can give you all this money if you want but really, is it worth it?"

He bites his lip,"You're right. I change my mind. I don't even think I want to rob anything at all actually. I bought these sunglasses with my own money. Do you know expensive these are? Well it doesn't matter. I am just incredibly bored and I thought that this place was the place that I think I might hate the most."

She nods in understanding,"You might think you hate this place the most, but I know for a fact that I hate this place the most. I've been so bored I've been looking up all the movies Robert Downey Jr. takes his shirt off in and ordering them on netflix. He is the 7th hot celebrity I've done that for this week. And also I'm watching catholic boys sing cat opera, quite impressive actually."

"How ironic, watching cat opera in a dog accessory store."

"You like Irony?"

"If it's used in the proper way such as a girl who works in a dog store but watches cat opera."

"And is named Bobby?

"Exactly."

"I think it's only right to close this joint for it almost got robbed today, don't you think that seems like a good enough reason to close?"

"I think that is a fantastically legitimate reason to close a store."

"Me too," she quickly writes on a peice of paper 'closed for the rest of the day due to an almost robbery'.

"Bobby would you like to go hold puppies at a pet store hoping that they never enter this godforsaken store and then go eat licorice and talk about how wierd it is that everyone is obsessed with vampires?"

"I think that sounds like the perfect non boring thing to do," as she says this she realizes that she is already outside in his homemade convertable (A car with the top cut off),"But I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"I like vampires."

Would You Rather?

Her name was Jenna and she was leaving her friend's backyard because she wasn't into the trampoline scene, it racked her brain inside her skull and she would always end up with a migraine the next day. It was dark, and there were a lot of stairs (damn rich people and their endless stairs (if you are that rich why not invest in an escalater)). She was thinking about how much she wished she had a new pair of shoes because the bottom of her sneakers were coming unhinged and flapping like a numb lip-then she tripped on her numb lipped unhinged shoe, killing her instantly as she landed on the sharpest stair breaking her neck.


She floated outside of her body and looked at her dead body.

"Oh balls, are you kidding?" she was absolutely pissed that she was dead,"This super sucks."

She sat next to her dead body wondering how long she would sit there before anyone would notice. It was wierd, she was a lot better looking then she thought. She used to spend at least ten mintues staring at her butt hoping her eyes would burn off the appropriate calories to make it smaller, but actually her butt looked awesome, especially in her new jeans (realizing she only wore them once and then getting more angry because she was dead and wouldn't be able to get her money's worth out of them). That's what she got for buying expensive jeans instead of new shoes, death.

She stood, getting bored that nobody was finding her. Then she wondered, "can I fly?" she jumped and landed normally on her feet. Then she got furious,"You mean I'm dead and I can't even fly? Being dead is the pits!"

Then a voice from above called to her,"Jenna, you are funny!" then the voice laughed and it sounded like thunder.

"Are you god?"

"I can't tell you."

"So that means yes. Why'd you make me die?"

"I thought it might be funny to kill you by shoe tripping, that's all."

"Well that's awefully rude."

"Yeah, sorry."

Then she thought of all the things she was planning on doing but probably wasn't going to ever do because she was sure she wasn't going to die until she was old.

"You're a jerk."

"Okay listen Jenna, I'll give you an ultimatum, you don't have to die-"

"Really?"

"Yeah, but you have to choose to either be a human clock and ding every hour, no exceptions, or smell every person's burp that's in the quarter mile radus."

"God, are you joshing me?"

"No, that's how things work around here. Now choose."

She sat next to her dead face, it didn't look very dead, and thought about what would be less worse. A human clock would get really embarrassing. What if you were doing something that was very serious and silent and then the hour changed and then you would have to ding. But smelling burps could be pretty disgusting, but it wouldn't really be in the public's eye (except for the faces she would most likely pull after smelling), and who knows, maybe there would be good smelling ones.

"Okay god, I choose burps."

Jenna felt weird and her neck hurt. She had the strangest feeling that she was just cursed. A terrible smell intruded her nostrills,"Who ate chilly dogs?"

.