Oh GURL please...

I posted on facebook a couple days ago about how terrible I am at being a girl. The truth is I am not THAT bad but okay I'm a little bit bad. But I thought this would be a future funny chapter in my memoir book when I'm famous for being so hilarious and beautiful.
Reason one: I don't like wearing heels. Many ladies think that it is an accomplishment that they survived the entire day in five inch heels. Good job ladies feminists hate you because guys are just staring at your sessy legs. By the way sometimes heels are going to help your legs, becausee you are blessed with something called "ugly legs." Kidding guys(not about the ugly legs that's a real problem), I think it's an accomplishment that you wear heels all day, I just need an excuse to hate heels so I don't seem like a weiner when I say they hurt my feet so badly I feel like becoming a pirate and screaming lots of swear words right after each other. GODDAMN TOE KNUCKLES! Also paying more then 45 dollars for shoes pains my soul for something I'm goint to rip off my feet yelling, "YOU DON'T OWN ME YOU FILTHY SCOUNDREL!" I think men created heels and it makes me feel like shouting at the man. They've created great things called tennis shoes, and they are like awesome and feel like the opposite of shoving your toes in triangles. I am okay with only occasional wearing of these death traps, that's what I call them because although I danced for years I almost crash and break my face open and then I can no longer be famous for being beautiful, because I'll be dead.
Reason 2: I eat lots of food. Not that girls don't eat food, but I'm talking about eating out with the opposite sex. As a teen (I also was bad at being a teen) I was constantly having speed eating contests, mostly because eating in 20 minutes is really difficult and I NEED A FULL MEAL PEOPLE! I would often win by the way and this was verses some growing boys. Salad, no thanks you, unless I really want a salad. I will always eat the whole meal, unless I had a whole meal 20 minutes before then I'll only eat half the whole meal, or like 3/4 a whole meal. Don't you worry about it though guys, so far I haven't gotten fat. I probably will eventually get fat, and at that time the world will probably be ending so it's okay, I'll get REALLY skinny by then.
Reason 3: I really enjoy comic book movies. Not really comic books, because reading is for chumps (I am kidding I really like reading I just don't have a reason for not reading comic books okay?) Now let me tell you something, I love my share of rom coms but there is a special part in my heart for com boo actsh... (comic book action films). Super powers are RADICAL! And any woman who denies this is a liar. I would date the shit out of any comic book hero, even the lame ones. If anything watching a com boo actsh makes me more of a woman. Those bods won't quit.
Reason 4: I need my nails short and sweet and unpainted. Don't get me wrong, the idea of painted nails is just great. I think they look nice when they aren't those square white tip claw daggers. My question is, WHO HAS TIME TO LET THOSE SUCKERS DRY? It will say quick dry on the nail polish and yet, 20 minutes later you've got the smudges, which eventually leads up to picking off the nail polish. I have another question and it was how do people keep their nails clean? It's impossible. IMPOSSIBLE! Do people just not touch anything at all? Also if you paint your nails while your pregnant with a male child he will have a low sperm count, true story.
Reason 5: I hate to admit it but I fart.

A lil' sumptin'

Viola had this problem where she always wanted what she couldn’t have. Her mother called it the “Viola complex”. When she was seven years old she wanted a Dalmatian puppy so badly. She asked her mother every day if she could just pretty please have one. Of course the answer was no because no six year old needs a puppy because it wouldn’t be the six year olds puppy but the parents puppy. It turned into an obsession. Viola would only watch 100 Dalmatians. Her closet was fully of 100 Dalmatians attire. She had an imaginary friend named Dina the Dalmatian, although she was a mixed breed of human and Dalmatian. It got to a point where her mother sat her down a year later and said, “Sweet Viola, I know you think the best thing in the world would be a Dalmatian puppy, but you know what they don’t show you in the movies? Poop. Dogs poop in real life. Dogs also don’t talk in real life. They bark, a lot. You know that part when the dogs are barking to each other to communicate? That’s not real, they just bark for pretty much no reason,” she pet Viola’s head and smiled, “I know a Dalmatian seems like the best thing in the world but there are a lot of things that aren’t that great about them, but you aren’t thinking about those things are you?”


This happened a few times throughout her childhood and now into her teenage years. Viola would paint a picture in her mind about how wonderful something would be, but the reality of things were, that they aren’t as good as she imagined them. It’s like the moment when Viola saw this beautiful head of hair in front of her on the bus; she could see a tidbit of his ear and cheek. In her head he was exceptional looking. He had beautiful green eyes and a smile that could drain the blood from your heart into your cheeks. The problem with this was this was all in her head. When he turned around, he was a great disappointment. He turned out to be quite ugly except for the gorgeous hair. This was how she was about most things and that’s why it was called the “Viola Complex”.